It felt like something in the beginning until a day came where

I felt nothing
I was nothing
I contributed nothing
I gave nothing
I came to nothing
I had nothing
I ate nothing
I kept nothing
I loved nothing


And I used until the drugs did nothing


Then I did something
I tried something
I risked something
I felt something
I prayed to something
I managed something
I held onto something
I got something
I worked something


And I now have everything

Being a teenager these days is really pressurizing! Always being exposed to drugs, alcohol,smoking etc. Its seen as "cool" and everyones doing it.
Every Saturday night my friends get smashed and they make like its the only way they can have fun. Everyone gets so excited about getting drunk, when I honestly think its looks disgusting, seeing people falling all over the place and acting stupid.Alcohol has become something that anyone can get anywhere being just 15!

Making the decision to get help for my addiction was one of the hardest - but best decisions I ever made. When I arrived at the rehab centre I had been referred to I had no idea what to expect and in retrospect I don't remember much from the first session I had with my counsellor. In saying so, one sentence she said has always stuck in my mind: addiction is an illness not a badness and a drug addiction may make you do bad things but you are not a bad person.

In the several years that I have been around the rooms of various 12 step fellowships, it has been my experience that addiction is addiction is addiction. I have met people who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, love, relationships, chaos etc, etc. The truth is that people will addict to anything that takes them out of themselves. While I don't claim to know the reasons why people do so of one thing I am sure, it doesn't really matter what people find that does the trick for them addiction is about avoiding having to face yourself - your true self.

We hear that addicts have to have had enough before they "want " to get clean and sober. What about when we the family have had enough? I think we have been there a million times and think every time, that this is it. Only to no avail. Then we ask is there anybody out there to help the families? "Sure" we are told when we make the phone calls. But it always comes down to how much money do you have to spend. If I had a tenner for every time a drug counselor tells us that, I may be able to pay for these "upmarket" clinics.

I was not totally convinced on the 21st May 2010 that living in a Halfway House was going to do it for me although I had total ruined my normal home life. My wife hated me around and we spent all of our time fighting and not healing from the pains my addiction caused. I was in therapy and working the programme seriously but life at home did not keep up with me. I felt that I could not breathe and needed space to lick my own wounds before I could attend to the wounds of my family. Rebuilding my life in the middle of this volcanic eruption was not working, so I surrendered to the idea of moving into a Halfway House. I still resented the idea and hated the thought of giving up what I had. I worked so hard to build my home but my presence was no longer welcomed and I could no longer mentally abuse my wife. This was going to be tough because it was not home for crying out loud. I am an adult and I resented having people telling me what to do, when to go, when to come, where to sleep and how to behave. Why should I be subjected to this at my age?

A strange and mysterious place is what lies at the end of a 17-hour flight due Northwest. It is an island that operates under its own laws, not applicable anywhere else. Everything comes with a twist of the surreal, and one might get the feeling that walking through customs is akin to stepping into a parallel universe. This little patch of rock is called Manhattan, the home of The Empire State Building, Central Park, Times Square and more recently yours truly too.

All I ever wanted was for the pain to go away
For the feelings to go
For the craving to vanish
For the heart to heal
For the insecurity to subside
For the real me to have a chance

And now I have got

…………All I ever wanted
And a feeling of hope
And the cravings are gone
And my heart gushes with joy
And my head is held high
And I now have a chance

I am becoming all I ever wanted

Close to 15 years ago, my mom married someone who she thought was an ideal man at the time. He had a doctorate in technology and was an interesting intellectual with the views of a capable provider. After they had established an incredibly successful business, what started as a penchant for a few weekend drinks to celebrate success and luxury, eventually turned into a 10 litre bucket of vodka a week.